Friday, February 20, 2009

Unexplained Anxiety

On Wednesday night I was walking to dinner with a couple of friends and I had this inexplicable uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been a ball of anxiety for the last six months -- from cramming GMAT studying into three short weeks in July to procrastinating during August and finally getting my act together in September and October to polish off my round 1 applications only to settle into the 3-month waiting game that can best be described as a complete mindf*ck -- so this feeling was not new to me.

Everyone said that once I got into one school, I would feel so much better. Well, I did feel a little better back in December when I got my first acceptance. But that contentment quickly faded away and was replaced by overwhelming nervousness about HBS and Stanford. A month later, I got into HBS and was feeling good. I went out to celebrate and got the call from Stanford while I was partying with friends. Honestly, what could be better?

For the past month, I've been perusing the admit websites, filling out financial aid forms, and planning the next six months of my life. I told my employer that I'm out in May. School doesn't start until September. I should be sitting pretty.

So why is my mind still not at ease? Is it that I am so used to the feeling that there is always something next that I can never relish in my current situation and my past achievement? In college, I worried about grades. By sophomore year, I was nervous about my lack of internship experience. Senior year, I didn't just want a job; I wanted the right job. During my first two years working, I was constantly concerned that I had said or done something stupid and that my colleagues thought I was an imbecile. I was nervous that I didn't know what I wanted to do next and that I wasn't ready to go straight to business school. And for the last year, I've been worried about getting into school.

Now that I'm into Stanford, am I allowed to release the worry and enjoy my life?

(At least until the summer internship search begins next winter)

1 comment:

Jen said...

Your summary of things stressing you out from high school to present is shockingly similar to my own...except the getting admitted part, since I haven't yet made the "am I ready for b-school" decision. Would love to see you write a little more about how you decided it was worth it and that the time was right!

And yes, I think you can relax for a solid six months before you have to start worrying about internships. I think they call this living the dream.

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